I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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