I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
