Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
