my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
