All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
