if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
