Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
