yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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