My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
