I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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