you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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