Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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