Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
