Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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