i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Then you guys just all showered together...?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
