i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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