wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
