Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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