a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
