You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
