I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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