Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
