i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
