Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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