Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
