Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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