my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
