There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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