He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
