I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
