I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
