your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
