I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
