come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
