there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
