i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize