my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ugly people sure do ruin things
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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