I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
