The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
