I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
