i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
