Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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