you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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