I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
