I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
