If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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