Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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