she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
