i love accidental penises.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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