In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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