high people should be assigned attendants
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize