I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
