her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Redeem this text for a blowjob
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
