Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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