I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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