I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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