Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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