Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
