My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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