my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
